Of Pork Scratchings and Ricky Martin

Hempsall has gone the way of all critics: grown corrupt and flabby on the largesse of Manchester’s overly-generous restaurateurs.Shit, sack that sub, that’s next month – here he visits another pub

Time to wave goodbye to the dubious virtues of the Mancunian summer and welcome the folds of autumn’s warming woolen gowns. And with it the curious yearnings for winter fare and the re-establishing of the order from life to death. Pretentious perhaps but you have to admit, it’s got a ring to it. It’s also a time to recalibrate what to expect from your local butcher, fishmonger and grocer. No sooner does your heart sink at the sudden lack of samphire grass than you are instantly regalvanised by the reappearance of the Vacherin cheese. T’was ever thus. We decided it was a good time to reacquaint the Chimp with an old friend. The Oldest Raver in Town was on hand so now was as good a time as any. He took me to The Nursery in Heaton Norris, a thirties-built traditional pub with a bowling green at the back and a reputation for honest, home cooked lunches. We arrived atone on a Wednesday to find it packed, no tables available in either the lounge or the back room, the latter having been booked for awake. We stuck our heads respectfully round the door. On offer were triangular sandwiches and sausage rolls. Don’t know why this kind of spread encourages such warmth and bonhomie, I only know that it’s the sort of thing I always hope to find after one of my nearest and dearest has thrown a seven. It’s probably the only time I actually enjoy a glass of sweet sherry. A lady called Louise came out and apologised for the lack of tables, so we followed her to the snug and the specials menu. I did, however, dig my heels in and insist on a cheese and ham toastie as a starter to share.

This was great, we agreed, not having been sealed by the much feared Breville, that implement of torture that turned every seventies sandwich into a sealed, cheesy mouth poultice not unlike a savoury Pop Tart.

For main I had chicken, leek and crème fraiche pie with chips and vegetables whilst Raver had herb and breadcrumb crusted salmon steak with new potatoes. The pie was outstanding and the pastry first rate; you can’t go wrong when you keep it simple and marry together ingredients that were made for one another. The salmon was well presented and the flesh was firm and quite clearly very fresh. It WAS slightly dry – even Louise concurred that it could probably benefit from abeurre blanc. I asked her whether the chips were hand cut and found her honesty disarming. “Of course not. That meal costs £6.95”... You suspect she knows her customers almost as intimately as her bottom line.

Over lunch the drink flowed as freely as the conversation. We remarked on the tradition of vaults not having a Ladies’ in them, the logic being that its unreconstructed builders figured no lady would want to be in a part of a pub so given to smoking and swearing. Next we wondered aloud at the conundrum confronting the warehouse manager of every single branch of PC World –when they have to stock up on more than one computer mouse, do they ask for mouses or mice?

At this point a strange thing happened. A man walked into the snug and introduced us to his Yorkshire terrier, Ricky Martin. Think I’m joking? Ricky didn’t say much at first, just sort of sat there, hoping for the odd pork scratching. Old Raver ordered mint and chocolate truffle with ice cream which, when it arrived, made two gents opposite put down their accumulators from Done’s and threaten a bloody coup. Raver stood his ground and proclaimed it too delicious to share. “It’s like a posh choc ice,” he exclaimed.

For my part I was very impressed with a French Pinot Noir at £3.85 for a 250ml glass and as I refreshed myself, Ricky opened up a bit. He told me he fancied Christina Aguilera only slightly. I asked if he’d sing “Livin’ La VidaLoca” for us but he demurred, saying he didn’t want to draw attention to himself. Understandable really, for a singing dog.

The Nursery Inn, 258 Green LaneHeaton Norris, SK4 2NA.Tel: 08714 32900544